The Hand We're Dealt

There are moments in life that make us question so many things.

June 1, 2021 - I blamed myself.

I sat staring at my child, wondering what I'd done wrong. What had I done to cause this. I thought back and went down the checklist.

I'd taken my prenatals, I never missed an appointment, I ate healthy, exercised and got proper sleep. I talked to her and told her what a great big sister she was going to get. I had a natural (not by choice!) birth and she was absolutely perfect. We'd counted her toes and fingers and giggled at her big round cheeks.

So, maybe it wasn't that? Maybe this was karma. Maybe I'd done things in my life that warranted punishment of the worst kind. It didn't matter how much I tried to be a good wife, friend, mother, etc. as an adult. It was something from before that a higher power frowned upon.

You should have thought about the consequences, Aimee.

Whatever the case may be, the result was that everything after June 1, 2021 would be forever changed. Our family would be forever changed. Every choice we made moving forward would have THIS in mind. And all I could do in those first moments, was apologize to her. Over and over I whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" as I stroked her tiny feet through the hospital blanket.

Nothing can prepare a parent for that kind of news. We all have gone through those worst case scenario thoughts, but THIS was one you don't see coming. One that will never leave, never let you have a full night's rest again. One that requires every brain cell to be working and is wholly unforgiving and unfair.

I hope everyday that she won't wake up one day and hate me. That she won't rebel too much and wind up worse off than the day she was diagnosed in the first place. That she won't ignore my calls when she's out with friends and her blood sugar is low and I'm frantically trying to make sure she's eating something.

I have nightmares that we are on vacation and forgot her insulin. I have nightmares that I don't hear her alarm and her blood sugar is dangerously low. She has told me things that break my heart, things that no small child should have to worry about, but she does. Her future will come with all this baggage. It will affect what job she gets, who she marries, who she rooms with in college, her children...I know she feels like a burden and that breaks my heart too. And all I can do is show her every single day how grateful I am that she's mine.

Because that's the truth. If this awful thing has taught me anything, is that nothing is promised. We aren't entitled to anything in this life. We are simply dealt a hand, and it's up to us be creative and play those cards against others who have a much better hand.

We do this fundraiser every year, because it's one of the many ways we can empower her. It's a way to connect with our community and raise awareness. Type 1 Diabetes is so much more than counting carbs, and I look forward to the day that we can tell her there's a cure. It won't give her back those years, but it will take the burden off the ones ahead.

And maybe then I will not feel guilty anymore.

We are running February 8 for Type 1 - please donate!